Sitting on the Kitchen Floor
Gasping, sweating.
A paradox
Fills my mind.
I always loved hugs.
From my mom.
My teachers.
Bear hugs.
Light hugs.
But this was not
Such a hug.
You had always said
“no” to hugs.
Your baby self cried
Till we put you down.
You wriggled free.
Avoided touching,
Recoiling from hands,
And touches of love.
No bedtime snuggles,
No sitting curled upon my lap,
No tucks against my cheek
Listening to fairy tales.
When you watched “toons”
Sometime you allowed
A pretend arm wrestle.
Sometimes, in summer
A push on your swing.
But an invisible field
Surrounded you.
Pushing touches away.
Then you began to mature.
Your body confusing.
Legs growing.
Arms out of Sync.
Change assembled and
Fought for space in your mind.
Then formed the dark cloud,
Of a storm approaching.
Fueled by
School traumas,
Bullies and rejection.
Now.
Sullen, angry, silences.
Changes condensed
And eroded the fragile casing
That kept you intact.
You transformed,
From soft, quiet, and polite
And you WERE rage,
A 90 pound spring tied
in a howling Gordion knot.
When the explosions happened
I took your arm,
Knowing you would recoil
Yank it free.
Lash out
Run
Kick
Only a millisecond,
For me to lunge.
Grab your arms,
Fold them in a cross
Around your chest,
Over your heart.
My hands over yours.
We crashed to the tile,
To the ground.
Bruises.
Blood.
A cacophony of sound.
My legs around your body,
Locked with all my strength
Hugging you into immobility.
Chin arched
over your shoulder,
Locked into your neck
Turned to avoid the bite,
The spit,
The screams
You drilled
Into my ear.
Obscenities foreign
Exploded from you,
And so ensued
Our Sisyphean battle.
I held you, and held you.
And held you more.
Talking. Whispering.
Repeating “It’s ok, I love you,”
Praying for the stamina
To oulast
Your growing strength
On you would struggle,
Straining to be free.
Then relaxing.
Feigning submission,
Waiting for my strength to wane.
And when it did not
Yet came another
Crashing, drowning wave,
Your body fighting to uncoil.
Your pain pouring across
Our consciousness.
Into the night.
My inner savage fought
To contain its own rage.
To hug and contain,
To croon, to sing
To will what peace
Remained within me
to burrow into you.
To absorb your torment
In my own flesh,
Exchange with you
What serenity
I could still find in mine.
When the storms
Came as the gentling of a sea wind
When the waves
Are a whisper less strong,
The water churns more slowly,
The caps no longer foam.
Your heart knows
The worst has passed.
Now, both spent
Our energies depleted,
As I thanked God
For having just enough
More than you.
You became whole again.
“Dad. You can let go.”
“I’m ok now. I’m sorry.”
And for a brief moment,
Our deathly clutch evolved
Into the hug
I wanted most to have.
The one where you and I
Were connected
By flesh and spirit.
No longer were we
Tossed by hot angry seas,
But gently fanned
By the breath of God.
When the calm came,
We sometimes faced each other.
And I said things you didn’t
Really understand.
About keeping you from being hurt,
Keeping everyone safe.
You would nod, accepting
But not understanding.
Today
You do not
Turn from hugs.
And I can
Approach you
Squeeze you
In my arms
Somehow
You have opened
A door
Or perhaps WE
Have opened a door..
Yesterday Mom.
Asked you
To wake me.
To take you
To your doctor.
And you woke me with a hug.
And a smile.
A calm sea, with the
Morning sun on the horizon.
You have at last
Found your way
To touch back.
Advertisements
